It was when I stopped dreaming of him that I knew the relationship was officially dead. I had fallen out of love with him.
My mother knows I talk in my sleep and if she wants to know what is going on in my life that is the best time to find out.
I dream about the people, things I think about most and if I think of you all the time then I’m definitely talking about you in my sleep too. If that stops happening, I have lost interest.
He stopped crossing my mind and I began to care less about him.
He was no longer attractive in my eyes, my skin began to crawl each time he touched me and could not stand his presence.
I was tired of holding the relationship together. I was tired of trying to make it work and being perfect for someone that barely noticed my effort.
I am a lot of things and patient is not one of them but for him I was patient enough, let him put me through his inconsistency and he became comfortable. I was always available to take him with open arms even with the lousiest of explanations. He knew he did not have to explain much, all he had to do was just come back.
There I was, hoping for a miracle but I finally got tired. I stopped making decisions for an “us” that existed in my head alone. I erased “our” future plans because “we” were not making them, “I” was.
He always made sure I felt jealous and he enjoyed it. He led a life where he made it clear he was not mine flirting with everything with a pulse.
All along I thought I could not live without him but this 21 day lockdown has removed the blindfold from my eyes. I had always been alone. I was in love with a fantasy, an imagination of what could be.
I gave him all of me because it made him happy little did I know I was destroying myself from the inside.
God knows I could have done anything to save him/us but I became exhausted and for me I gave him up.